The heart of my life...

心里很难受很难受

2012-02-06T01:48:00.000+08:00

我最害怕的事情快发生了。
看来一开始的恋爱总是美丽的。
过了一段时间感情就会淡掉。
可能一边的也不会那么在乎了。
开始会耍脾气，开始说他想要的样子了。
今晚我很累真的很累，我不知道我这次踏进感情里有是不是再被利用。
每天都陪着他和他的朋友。
我开始又不是自己了。
哎，该怎么办呀。
我想找回自己，每次一谈恋爱就变成这样我真的不知道怎么办才好。
真的。
每场感情都是累的就不知道哪个不累的。真的。

I wonder if my decision was right...

2012-02-02T04:25:00.000+08:00

2012, I've gotten myself into another relationship.
I wonder if the choice made was right again.
Being so confident that things will turn out right, but however I haven't felt it these days.
I just feel that this will fall apart any time soon.
Not again did I gone into something too fast? Impulse? Maybe...
I don't have the feeling that this will last again and I feel that this r/s is gonna be on the rock shaking every time something is being brought up.

我不应该在这个情况底下的。
我应该是开心的，但是为什么我一点这个感觉都没有。
又感觉过去的错误又从服了。
我又不想提出什么东西来伤害人，傻傻的我宁愿自己一个人受伤。
我还是那句话到头来谁都不信只信自己。
这段感情或许真的是我觉得的最后一个如果不成的话我看我以后也不打算寻找感情了。
我本来是不想过去的但是他往往想到的那个她，不能不让我想起了过去的点点滴滴，过去的伤过去走出来的痛。
我害怕过去会重演，宁愿坚强一点也不想让人知道我很脆弱。
我不知道该写什么一句话就是很累，心很累，脑很烦。
我不知道该怎么写只想一个人静静地听歌。

Unbearable pain, troubled thoughts

2011-08-23T10:23:00.000+08:00

Ever hurt so much that nothing helps?
Ever hurt to the extend that you don't even know how to explain how it hurts?
Ever dreamt so badly about whatever you said and you know it is just not whatever your heart actually feels?
Ever want to hear an answer so badly that you have been dreaming of the person coming back to you telling you the answer you have long be waiting for?
I have been experiencing all these lately.
Too much hurt that I use my studies, work and sports to submerge myself.
I guess friends who known me for a long time knows how unhappy or disappointed I am with the situation I am facing.
Yea, I probably too hard on myself, probably I am just following what is suppose to be logically right for me to do instead of following my heart which leads me to the wrong way.
Everyday I feel myself grasping for air, I find it hard to breathe.
Yesterday night, I dreamt of him running back to me trying to get me back, but I refused to accept him at the same time with my heart hesitating.
Well, I guess if I don't face it in my daily life, then my heart cause me to face it when I am dreaming.
You can say I hate these troubled thoughts, troubled problems.
I wonder when all these will be over and I am happy all again, because I just know I am not happy with whatever it is now.

Tired & back to the point where I just begin...

2011-08-04T23:16:00.000+08:00

I'm tired, mentally, emotionally, enough I would say.

Gonna live a carefree life, not seeking the right one.

I have given all and been back to my defeated state.

The only thing I could possibly do is to keep my time occupied by my studies and work.

Life gets so tiring that sometimes I wish I have a pillar to hang on.

However, those who comes were always jerks or bastard.

Never one sincere, and here I'm starting afresh again.

Hoping for a new goal, a new direction.

I wish if life was possible I want to isolate myself from people for a moment.

Be it because I'm tired facing people, or solving people's problem.

Maybe one find day when people around realized I stop being who I am now,

they might learn to treasure me.

Maybe I should just keep the distance by guarding my heart.

Time to keep it low...

It's happening all over again...

2011-05-23T14:43:00.000+08:00

If only I never made the same mistake I've made before probably so...
Now the case is I'm not only not forgiving the person,
but not forgiving myself for what I have did to myself knowingly knows something of such incident might happen.
The hardest is not about forgiving others but about forgiving oneself.
I'm tired, tired for fighting for every single relationship to work.
All I want is to be alone... and not hear from anyone or do anything with others.
I can't let it out neither can I do anything about the situation,
I guess the only way is to accept it, trash my feelings out with the things that I can possibly do.

It's driving me crazy

2011-05-18T09:00:00.000+08:00

Bound by my own principles and curse, I just can't get myself right.

One moment I'm fighting my inner self emotionally and logically,

next moment I'm fighting the war on the external side.

My inner self just don't wanna lose the better, don't wanna appear weak.

Then again my heart knows that I'm actually not that strong as what I think.

Been drinking quite a bit lately to keep myself distracted,

I thought if I drank I could sleep better but apparently this time it is not working.

As much as I am trying to be like a robot to cancel out everything,

I'm just human to feel this way.

The situation is driving me nuts, literally...

It's hurtin it's hurtin me badly...

The more I think the more I feel everything went wrong...

I need an escape... It's crashing on me, I need to do something crazy!

How many times will it ever be enough?

2011-05-14T09:17:00.000+08:00

Lesson learnt again, not to give in so easily.
I wonder how many times I hit this wall then will I finally realised it is pain and stop hitting on it.
One mistake changes the whole story.
One night drives me crazy.
One incident I need to come up with how many dreams to forget what has happened.
There was a warning sign in my mind, but I choose to go against it knowingly knows my character.
I'm telling myself not to get used to the life I am experiencing these days.
Soon enough I will be back to reality when I have little time and time for my other groups of friends.
Just when I start getting used to certain things I should start moving before I'm really stuck.
Someone said he will not get used to life being attached, maybe this applies to me too,
I don't like to be too comfortable.
I felt that meeting each other is just a habit, once this is over and we are back to our usual life,
the situation will basically change, like what happened in the past.
So my dear silly girl, it's time to wake up from this dream :)

Learning journey

2011-05-04T09:23:00.000+08:00

Few days of happy days.
Finally I've got back the glow in me, the bubbly self that I once lost it.
Someone taught me how to see things in a lighter way.
I learn to take relationship less seriously, sudden the urge of finding the Mr Right in me is gone.
The reason behind this is the right equation out of the relationship to me is not achieveable.
It could be a mental block in me.
One needs a negative to contract with a postive to attract,
for my case I am in between positive and negative,
therefore the extreme ends of both will not attract but the in between one will.
I learn not to give myself away so easily as to protect myself before I'm being played out.
Being in an control environment and control situation is not easy.

A friend in need is a friend indeed...

2011-04-09T08:44:00.000+08:00

Some thing in this world I have yet to master, is to be selfish for myself.

In in out out friends and family have said that I've treated friends too well,

maybe it's really true,

till those whom I thought was my closest friends were never really there for me in times of need.

Only a few stays and bothers to hear me out.

I do have to say it's not easy to be my closest friends,

and of course it takes effort.

I don't need you to be constantly there for me,

but just an sms or a call will make my day so much better.

I'm not asking for how high the sky is or how far the sea is.

Friends who know me well, knows how much I treasure them.

If those who don't know how to appreciate it,

please leave my life alone it will be much better than hurting me.

I've got enough hurts and problems to even have more of them...

Gathering time!

2011-04-07T02:51:00.000+08:00

A week planned for my friends.
I planned to catch up with my dear friends.
Which I eventually did :)
Spend time chilling out with them at Timbre Art House.
Enjoyed our time drinking catching up and dedicating songs to each other.
Not forgetting enjoying my favourite band 53A played.
The atmosphere was really good, with the river the lightings, the beautiful tall building, the drinks, pizzas, wings and lastly not forgetting the company.
After weeks of being emo, having lots of down period,
suddenly there is some up periods in my life.
Being able to make everyone smile including myself was great.
Got the couples closer together, which was great.
I kinda also felt that everyone of them grew up.
Soon we will be splitting, one is going Australia to study, another army, back to school busy with final year project, and some of us back to work.
I wonder how long will all this fun and gathering last.
We all tried getting each other to get together but it was rather difficult as all has other things planned on those days requested, it was so lucky that all happened to be free on that Tuesday.
I think the time getting together was really something that I treasure very much.

Then I also ended up going for climbing session with them at Climb Asia.
Managed to catch up with a facilitator in my poly,
I was thankful that now me and Mike can talk on the same wave length as we are working in private sector now.
Climbing with everyone was great, and definitely it was a tough sport.
I must say I am really not good in the vertical.
More training is needed.
My buddies were way too awesome.
After every climb I felt that my fore arms were just giving way.
Till now I still can't type properly or carry stuff properly, it really is quite tough!
Anyway I've enjoyed myself hope there is more to come this week! :)

Wounded heart...

2011-03-31T09:29:00.000+08:00

I am starting to lose myself every day, bits and pieces of it slowly.

Been crying myself to sleep lately, and I know it's unhealthy.

Life has started being crazy and I can say I can take it no more.

Sometimes it's ok to fall back and remember memories.

It's only normal.

I've got so tired of being so compromising to human beings,

I've got so tired of caring for others,

I've got so tired of times when I put others first before myself.

I've come to realise human beings don't appreciate all these.

They take it for granted that things will always last the way they wanna be.

People don't realise others can stop doing what they are doing.

Sometimes I wonder how human beings can be so selfish,

I'm selfish too but I care so much that I hurt myself more than others.

I'd rather be a tin man with no heart.

I'd rather be the emo kid who sits at the corner and speaks to no one.

I'm tired to be happy for just the moment.

Tired of working so hard and try so hard when I don't know where it will go in the end.

Give me a break from being jumpy, active, and noisy.

I wonder if others do realised their actions affects others.

I wonder if people notice I'm just human beings like them who have emotions.

Given a choice, I'd rather live in a country with the poor and needy,

they'd probably appreciates human being like me more.

Many times I walked pass the MRT station and saw people who are in need,

I always give them $1 even though they are selling tissue to earn a living.

I realise they appreciate what I'm doing more than the normal human beings do.

I have held myself up so much that I no longer can.

Sometimes I feel guilty and bad, that I myself is letting myself being down.

With my actions of giving and helping,

I hope to redeem myself back from giving myself the chance to be down.

It will never be sunny everyday, it rains too, give me a break.

I need it very badly.

Bad enough for a long vacation with no people that I know around me.

I wanna be back like a kid.

The only few people who really care about me is probably my mum, my grandparents.

I really love them all...

He keeps me strong

2011-03-26T08:12:00.001+08:00

He is so strong, why can't I be or anyone else be?

Everytime I am down I pick myself up just like he does, it's not about me it's about people around me.

It's always about me for others, therefore everytime I fall I tell myself I need to stand up.

I know how tough it can be sometimes, definitely the guy in this video went through so much more.

Lyrics of the song he sang

There is always a tomorrow for me.

I have to keep fighting for my dreams.

Soon now, I'll be received what I've been waiting for.

Just keep fighting until the dreams come true.

Goals won't come to us. We have to go after them.

Prizes are only for winners.
Obstacles only exist for us to conquer.

There's nothing we can easily get without trying.

Have you tried much enough?

If you get tired, just rest, don't stop.

Every chance will be mine.

I've got only faith, ignore all difficulties.

The lyrics is very inspiring, it reminds me to keep moving on.

Keep the setbacks behind.

Yupp, I get really tired, maybe it's time to rest, but I shall not give up and stop.

I've to keep fighting for my dreams since even he can keep fighting.

Like what he say goals will not come to us, but we have to go after them.

Prizes can only be for winners, because once you stop going after your goal you lose.

In life to me its about trying, if you never get what we want, without trying you don't expect anything.

The question to myself and to everyone is have you and I try enough?

What's ever enough? The only thing that I've got with me just like he has is the faith.

I told myself that I will ignore all the difficulties and only believe in the faith I have.

If he can do it why can't we do it after so much fall?

Sometimes I give myself too much pressure, maybe I should rest and lighten my heart and start pushing myself again.

If it is to perfect something I will keep trying and chasing towards it till I reach my goal :)

A tired and a giving heart

2011-03-25T23:44:00.000+08:00

I've finally surrendered I'm tired.
I wanna take a break from the social world.
Time for myself, I need a holiday badly, even if it is to rent a place in Malaysia to stay for a few days.
I need time alone badly, inside me is breaking really breaking.
I'm tired of facing people day in day out.

Today I was officiating for a swim for the disabled in Singapore Sports School, I've learnt a lot from the officiating.
I've come to realize how bless am I, and how wonderful these disabled people are when they compete in the swimming meet.
I admired those who teaches them how to swim, how much patience is needed to teach them how to swim.
If they are disabled and they can do so much, why can't we as able do more...
I admired how much they try to be like normal human beings.
My heart goes out to them seriously.
After sharing this with one of my bro, he said unfortunately not everyone have the willpower like them.
Which is so true, they really have a lot of willpower to be able to swim well.

Another thing, this few days I've been staying at Bedok.
Few years back I met this 50 plus guy who is disabled selling tissue packets for a living.
Now when I am back at Bedok I bumped into him a few times when I'm Bedok hawker centre again.
Looking at him, my heart aches for him.
Few years back, his one leg was still straight, but after this few years have past, now I see his leg his leg is bend.
Everytime I see him I just can't help to just give him my $1 or even more money.
I see the way he goes round tables to tables with such heavy weight on his body on his one leg and walk table to table to sell 3 tissue packet for $1 just teaches me how much effort he takes to earn something that we easily take for granted.
$1 to me is only a small some of money for me to buy coffee but to him its money for living.
Here I'm writing about this is not to tell others how charitable I am, but it is how painful I see him work to earn himself a living.
Everyday I see him does that and he sells tissue to about 11am, that's really tough.
I was eating dinner with my bro at night, he came by when we were leaving, I saw him taking a glance and me and giving me the eyes that tells me a message can you just buy 3 packets of tissues from me for $1, I need it. But I just had to walk away with my bro, because I was hesitating.
But as I cross the road, and my bro and me went separate ways, I can't hold my feelings anymore but just to walk back to the hawker centre to give him that $1 without taking any tissue packet from him.
He was so thankful with what I give.
I'm amazed with his thankfulness, at least I give to these ppl they appreciates unlike some friends who don't appreciates the effort I put in.
Sometimes these strangers makes me happier really.
Don't see that I am so strong on the outside, but I always have a soft heart and giving heart a heart that always cares for others.
I pray for God to watch over him and take more of his pain away.
Let me give as much as I can to those who are in need please.

My new passion :)

2011-03-14T01:00:00.000+08:00

Recently, riding the BMX track with bikes has been my new passion.
This sport has mostly been generally dominated by the males than the females in Singapore.
As usual I am always bored, so at least picking up this sport keeps me occupied during my free time.
I love spending my time riding during my free time than shopping like the average girl.
I never love being an average local girl but love to be different different from the norm,
therefore I pick up this sport.
I've been loving the adrenaline rush on the track, the fall at times.
I believe only if you fall then will you learn from your mistakes.
I believe actions are always louder than words,
no point saying you love doing something or want to do something when you did nothing.
No point buy expensive bikes and equipments when you don't even know how to ride it properly.
Don't blame the weather for not being able to ride it's just pure excuses.
With me falling in love with riding and bikes and equipments, I stop doing triathlon.
Basically, I got bored of it, bored of straight roads, bored of endurance.
I just love to catch back my childhood time on a small bike having some fun in whatever condition.

Being at the track picking up new skill also allowed me to make many awesome friends from riding.
I think with this I also get to understand my job better, and also the boys better.
I never knew why guys love to do such crazy stuff sometimes, but now I definitely do.
I totally understand why, what fun and challenges they love to face.
Seriously I would rather spend my weekends learning a new skill than spending my money away on shopping doing meaningless stuff.
I prefer living life with a meaning in what I do or at least beneficial to me or educating.
Spending the time riding with the guys teaching me those biking skills and other skills were really great.

Riding like a G6

2011-02-24T00:55:00.000+08:00

Well I came to a point to realize, writing a blog takes inspiration.

Many times these inspiration just comes and go.

Recently, I just picked up mountain biking and BMX, newbie into this sport.

Seriously I am totally enjoying it, every moment of it.

Picking this new skill is cool, even though I keep falling.

Falling teaches me to pick up and learn again from where I fell.

Met lots of young boys riding this kinda thing and seriously it seems fun.

Finally I found the joy to do sports all over again after so long feeling burnt out.

In fact I just came back from a race reccee and a slow ride back from the reccee place.

Totally love the bike that my boss passes to me to ride, the ironhorse is seriously a good bike frame.

Mountain biking is seriously much more technical than road biking.

Road biking is seriously much more easier u just got to whack hard and go fast and keep pedalling.

Where else mountain biking is more about techniques, how to turn where to track stand , how to anticipate.

There's so much to learn. There is so much fear for me to overcome.

When I do all these, I learnt to become stronger. I learnt to use it to occupy my free time.

I will keep practicing till I get perfect or better on it.

Facing everyday is tiring and these sports keep me going every min every sec.

Lately many friends have been talking to me about asking me to get into a relationship.

Seriously if I can't find the right one, no point going for right.

And well if I like someone or have interest in someone and the someone doesn't it's also pointless so yea what's the rush?

I can managed myself being alone, so why need someone?

I wanna be independent and not like what I used to be before reliant on someone, especially emotionally.

I have gone pass that why are friends asking me to track back?

It's not easy going on alone but what's that bad going alone too...

I don't know if I have came to a point to trust someone fully and trust the right person to share my life with.

I only know when it comes everything will come naturally.

Seriously, I don't really like guys who thinks that I am a pretty girl, someone who they just wanna look for looks and talent, but someone who appreciate me the way I am.

Someone who understands what I've been through and willing to go through this with me again, not some pretty girl.

I never thought I was ever pretty till even now, I just think I am ordinary.

The only extraordinary is that I am not your average girl who depends every single thing on others but try to explore first before depending on others.

I like to try to do the extremes and test how far I can go, I like to experience it first before coming to you.

That's me not those who ask u every single thing, this is so that I learn and I will take responsibility of my life.

I wonder sometimes who will accept such a person LOL...

Anyway enough of me, these days I have been busy filming some cycle safety video.

Hopefully it turns out well, thanks to those who spend time doing it.

This week has been real busy, hope I can get more rest and more mountain biking session for this week :)

All Time Low

2011-02-16T16:59:00.000+08:00

A friend introduced me this song and the lyrics & song got it stuck on my head...
A nice song with nice lyrics and nice boys singing the song :)

The Wanted - All Time Low
Praying won't do it
Hating won't do it
Drinking won't do it
Fighting won't knock you out
Of my head

Hiding won't hide it
Smiling won't hide it
Like I ain't tried it
Everyone's tried it now
And failed somehow

So when you gonna let me
When you gonna let me out - Out

And if you know
How do you get up from an all time low
I'm in pieces
Seems like peace is
The only thing I'll never know
How do you get up
Get up

‘Cos driving won't do it
Flying won't do it
Denying won't do it
Crying won't drown it out
What you said

When I'm standing on the yellow line
Waiting at the station
Or I'm late for work
A vital presentation
If you call me now girl
Without reservation
I would try to break through

But if you know
How do you get up from an all time low
I'm in pieces
It seems like peace is
The only thing I never know
How do you get up from an all time low
I can't even find a place to start
How do I choose between my head and heart
Till it ceases I never know
How do you get up from an all time low

A low, (repeat)
Can you hear me
A low (repeat)
Can't you hear me

And if you know…
Repeat chorus

The joy in my job

2011-02-12T02:32:00.000+08:00

A little journey of my life.
Looking back these few months, I felt blessed that I am in this company working for my dear friend HM.
I would say I did not make the wrong choice by choosing this job.
Yes, you might see me stressed up during events, panic when I don't know how to handle the situations.
But definitely and surely, the accomplishment of each project or each task makes me feel good, and look forward to more of these each day.
I might feel bad when I do not know how to help or feel lost on some occasion, but I would go back home each day and tell myself that it is well worth it.
Even if I get overly upsad, I know I will stand up again and face new challenges again.
People inside here, taught me how to fall and stand up again, give me the opportunity to learn independently.
Friends I met while working in this company, bring me joy, teach me things that I don't experience is my own sports triathlon.
Seen some of my friends race, I never taught racing would be so much of a joy, fun and laughter, for me race was always serious and focus.
Nothing is perfect no matter where you are, definitely there are ups and downs.
Being at where I am now, teaches me how to grow, teaches me when to speak and when not to.
I am a happy girl here and look forward to be a much more happier girl :)

The month of January

2011-01-24T16:24:00.000+08:00

This month has been a crazy month for me.
Been busy with my full time job in Dirtraction managing events, as we had to organise the Red Bull Dark Knights 2011 and finalise on many other events with other sponsors.
I thank God that it was a success on Saturday with so many spectators and riders racing.
With the events coming up, I still have to help my dad at his stall in Chinatown at night as January is the preparation time for many locals for Chinese New Year.
I wouldn't say the business is fanatastic, neither would I say it is bad, well better than the few other years I believe.

Red Bull Dark Knights was an eye opener for me, as I have been organising triathlon races most of the time.
Dark Knights was very different with so many daring souls riding at night with rocks and rollers.
If every race was the same won't it be boring...
Hopefully with all these I would be able to try more new sports.
Understand the needs of the spectators, the sponsors, the racers would be some thing new for me and I hope I have more opportunities to experience this.
Definitely it was another great event working with so many people, of course it did bring back the memories of YOG.
I believe being tired is worth it.

The beginning of a new chapter

2011-01-08T15:06:00.002+08:00

My new year's resolution

Manage my time properly.
Start working out to lose weight.
Study hard.
Save $1000, more spendthrift.
Spend more time helping my family.
Learn more in my job.
Cut down on meet ups.
Sleep early.
Pack my room.